i think writing should be something people enjoy, not a career because to me when i have a deadline for something i begin to feel agitated and i tend to stray away from my responsibilities. i only write truly my best works when i am under no pressure. i only truly write when i am under strong emotions that threaten to consume me if i dont find a reprieve. i have no other emotions besides, concern, anger, dissappointment, rejection, happiness, and euphoria. i have very strong emotions when it comes to these. because i feel all too much of these emotions, it is easy for me to have my feelings hurt, and grudges can form in my heart around that person who i hate. i do not set out to hate people. it happens. just happens. and i cannot stop it because trying to change who i am is like trying to push a 12,000,000,000 pound piece of steel to China. i am not a rational person. i think in illogical ways, with words, emotions and images i cannot stop. the words are my own voice, my voice of reason, or my voice of deviousness. the emotions are to explain what has happened, or how i feel inside but i'm too afraid to say what they are. the images are the mental futures i see when i subconsciously try to scare myself. i've had so many of those. i see my family, my friends, my life dying. sometimes it scares me to the point of tears. no psychologist can fix that. i am the organized psycho. i hide the insanity quite well despite my happy go lucky, but rain clouds hang close by demeanor. the walls i set up are fronts to hide my insanity. i've tried o god i've tried to tear them down but they always stop me. i cant fix whatever i am because i dont know what i am exactly. not a human, not an immortal. i am what i am. hopelessly lost and blinded to the future.